Last week we received an email from a reader who is enjoying my unhinged rants, and requested we start an advice column. My amazing editor said, “oh god, why not”. So I’d like to welcome you all to the “Ask Em, but remember all responses are the explicit opinion of the author and do not in any way reflect Orange City Life, the editorial team, nor the stakeholders” column.

I have received one question from the original reader, all others are from a boozy night out with friends, a conversation with my sister and our CWA group chat. I asked a principal friend if any of her teachers needed advice about dealing with parents and admin. She replied, “there are 1500 teachers across Orange with something to say about parents,” so I look forward to hearing from all 1500 of you soon. Here goes (don’t sue or fire me please).

Dear Em,

there are currently three empty cracker boxes in my pantry, all neatly folded back as if they contain secrets instead of crumbs. I ask why and get a blank look in return. Do you think I’m a genius if I hide the full boxes in the vegetable crisper, or am I going crackers?

Firstly, thank you for reaching out. As the proud owner of three empty Thins Light and Tangy packets, I feel your pain. The crisper is a great place to hide the crackers. I’d also recommend wherever you store rolls of toilet paper, the laundry hamper, clipped onto the power cord of the vacuum cleaner and hidden within piles of clean folded laundry as places your teens will never look. Another fun thing to do is restock one of the empty boxes with the “extra spicy” version of the crackers. Watching them unexpectedly react to cayenne pepper is called “mum self-care”. Hope that helps!

Dear Em,

How do I get out of going to an in-law’s party? I can’t stand any of them!

Dear reader, I feel your pain. And unfortunately you’re going to have to attend this party, but if you follow my advice you will never be invited to another one.

First of all, wear a costume. Think Bridget Jones playboy bunny or one of those inflatable T-Rex things.

Secondly, get someone on side with you. I offered Miss 17 $20 to tell her racist, homophobic grandparents she has an Asian girlfriend. “Kwong” has gotten us uninvited from lots of things.

Another excellent tactic is to become aggressively enthusiastic about MLM products. Corner Auntie Cheryl near the cob loaf and start explaining the life-changing benefits of collagen peptides, essential oils or magnetic socks. By dessert, the entire family will scatter when they see you approaching with a catalogue and an EFTPOS machine. Enjoy your last hurrah with them!

Dear Em,

I discovered my teen is vaping. Is it wrong to sell the vapes I confiscated for petrol money? I have to drive to Dubbo for work next week.

Ethically and morally? Yes, very wrong. But in this economy? You’re crazy if you don’t. Remember to sit your teen down and very sternly inquire where they bought the vapes from to give you distribution ideas. Don’t forget the basics of supply and demand and add 10% for a finder’s fee when you price them.

Dear Em,

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed caring for my toddler and newborn. Does it get easier?

Yes, it absolutely does. Once your kids are toilet trained, can reach the snack shelf and refill their own drink bottles, the new stage of parenting starts. However, there are still challenges. Miss 11 has left me in charge of her rock today and didn’t leave care instructions. On the other hand, Miss 17 has apparently taken herself off to school (allegedly there’s a weekly “study group” on Thursday mornings) in my car. I have the traffic incident reports app on my phone and keep checking it while also googling pet rock care. It gets easier, I promise, but you will always be a parent.

Send your questions, dilemmas and completely hypothetical family disputes to OC Life, via reception@oclife.com.au, and I’ll do my absolute best to solve them with very little professionalism and a concerning amount of confidence. Also, if anyone has genuine advice for me regarding pet rock care, please get in touch immediately. Mine has been very quiet all day and I’m starting to worry.