As a mum of two, I struggle with the following things:

Life.

To keep myself in the opinion column section of the paper, and off the front page, I’ve come up with a few unhealthy coping mechanisms I’d like to share with you. See, people often tell me they read this, love how relatable it is, and occasionally ask me for advice. I can’t give any at the time, because if you see me in public I’m over-stimulated, running through the mental to-do list in my head and too distracted to listen properly. However, you’re always welcome to write in. Also if anyone had any great ideas of what to do with chicken mince for dinner that isn’t spicy for Miss 11, avoids gluten for Mr 47, has no foods touching other coloured foods for Miss 17, and is prepared at home by a topless Hemsworth (my only dietary requirement), I’m all ears.

Firstly, caffeine is your friend. Did you know that by spending six dollars a day on coffee instead of investing it into your retirement, you are 100 per cent more likely to live to retirement age instead of driving directly into a tree on your way home? Save in other ways, e.g. skip the trip to your in-laws this Christmas. FYI, you can add up to five extra espresso shots into a Maccas coffee frappe. Enjoy your coffee.

Next up, it’s time to teach your children some healthy boundaries, and help them to manage their own expectations. A great way to do this is by leaving their clothes in their pile on the bathroom floor until Miss 11 comes out in a panic at 7.53am on a Tuesday, because she has no clean uniforms. Explain gently that you only wash clothes that have made it into the laundry basket, and it’s not your problem. Pop your headphones on to block out their meltdown and enjoy that noise-cancelling function. Continue supporting your own mindfulness practice by closing your bedroom door in their face. Drive them to school in the dirty clothes as they complain, turning up the Smashing Pumpkins if they get too loud. Discover at the kiss-and-drop line that it’s sports day anyway. Head to the nearest café for coffee alone.

The current helicopter parenting trend really needs to stop. Mainly because I’m too lazy for it, but also because I’m tired of being judged for sitting on my phone at the park instead of enthusiastically participating in pretend café games to support my child’s imaginative development. By remaining seated on the bench and occasionally glancing up to confirm no one is bleeding, I am creating the optimal conditions for my child to explore autonomy while I explore whatever celebrity gossip is currently happening on my phone.

Now, mid-March is generally when resolutions of health and organisation have totally dropped off the radar, and you might be slipping into your old habits of ordering takeaway. Gift your partner and children the opportunity to experience gratitude recalibration by cooking apricot chicken for dinner, just to mix things up a bit. Remember to serve it with a side of Brussels sprouts and carrots that you boiled for a minimum of three hours, just to be sure you get the message across. Don’t forget to Uber Eats a double cheeseburger to your office for lunch that day so you’re not forced to partake. Maintaining adequate morale in the supervising adult is essential for the long-term success of any household intervention.

Lastly, it’s imperative that you find ways to reinforce your sense of parental competence. Psychologists refer to this as "maintaining a healthy system of external validation and cognitive self-soothing". Emotional support networks are key. This might include a trusted group chat where you can debrief in real time, spending a productive hour before bed conducting informal comparative parenting analysis via Instagram accounts dedicated to other people’s failures, and, most importantly, removing yourself from high-stress environments such as the school parents’ WhatsApp group.

All of these strategies help maintain the quiet but essential belief that, despite appearances, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Or, at the very least, you’re doing it while adequately caffeinated.