I was going to write a column about dealing with a child undertaking the HSC. But honestly, it’s no laughing matter. Keep them fed, hydrated, loved and you’ll both be okay. Remember the teenager is not your enemy, the HSC is.

But it got me thinking how unprepared high school makes us for real life, and so, welcome to the new, updated HSC*

(*I am awaiting Department of Education approval, but I’m sure it’s coming.)

Maths: Your weekly take-home income is $1280, rent is $650, groceries cost $380, electricity is $120, medical costs are $85, gas is $50, phone is $15, internet is $25, petrol is $120 and insurance is $137, how do you pay for the emergency car repairs and new shoes for the kids? You blew your head gasket (again).

Show your working.

Health and Movement Science: If you had a chia seed pudding for breakfast, chicken with sweet potato and broccoli for lunch and a steak burrito bowl for dinner, how many Long Island iced teas can you slam down at Mr Lim’s before you crack out Adele on karaoke?

Bonus question: how many times do you need to projectile vomit in the alley before you regain enough calorie allowance to get a kebab and eat it while crying on the phone to your ex?

Geography: If the only rental you can afford is 482 km from your job, how can you cover the distance in your broken car with petrol costing over $2 a litre?

Hint: use Pythagoras’ theorem to calculate how much time you’ll save by bush-bashing through paddocks.

Bonus marks: Name the three (3) Australian mountain ranges you’ll have to hitchhike through once you blow your head gasket again.

Chemistry: Why do we only attract men who are walking red flags? Using the periodic table, identify the element responsible for your sexual chemistry with men who have three children they “aren’t allowed to see”, an unfinished neck tattoo and a complicated relationship with Centrelink.

English: You sent your beloved a long, emotional message explaining how you feel, what you want to do about it, and encouraging open communication in return. He replies “k” (lower case). Analyse the text, paying particular attention to themes of rage.

Physics: If you could disrupt the spacetime continuum and use it to your advantage, would you:

A) Not lose your virginity to a floppy-haired guy named Glenn with severe mummy issues;

B) Save Punch the monkey from bullying;

C) Keep your maiden name ;

D) Tell 17-year-old you that she’s beautiful and perfect just the way she is; Or

E) All of the above.

Music: If you are going on a five-and-a-half-hour drive tomorrow, but your husband has been a bit of a jerk all day, what is the correct order to play all Taylor Swift albums so he has a complete breakdown just before your destination?

Bonus question: At what point does repeatedly asking, “Are you listening to the lyrics?” constitute psychological warfare?

Technology: Unlock one (1) app on your phone that you haven’t used this year without resetting your password. Tools allowed: caffeine, swearing and relentless sobbing. Two-factor authentication is compulsory; the verification code has been sent to your old phone.

Art: Enrol in a sculpting class in the hope of meeting a Patrick Swayze type (his being alive is not a requirement for this). Realise slowly the class is full of middle-aged women all hoping for a romantic and pseudo-sexual experience, but the instructor’s name is Veronica, and you don’t swing that way. Have a sensory breakdown when you realise how gross touching clay actually is. For extra credit: ignore vase-making instructions and create an ashtray circa primary school, 1986. Gift to your dad at Christmas

Biology: Sharon, 47, has discovered she no longer has enough oestrogen to deal with all this gestures broadly. Should she:

A) Use 2-4 pumps of her prescribed gel on her upper thigh daily;

B) Smile politely;

C) Realise her entire life so far has been a patriarchal conditioning exercise; Or

D) Burn it all to the ground and dance around the flames.

PDHPE: You have been logged out of the school app. To regain access, remember a password created in 2021, locate your child's student number and perform one (1) cartwheel.

Bonus marks: Complete the cartwheel without wetting yourself.

As you head to the bathroom to replace your incontinence pad, just remember how hard it was to do this the first time around. Your child will do 100% better if you offer endless love and understanding. Good luck to you all.