I was asked recently, “Wow, what’s your secret?” When I said I’d been married for twenty years. Now, firstly, hubby and I were arguing at the time because I’d had a dream he quit his job to work in a bakery, and although in my dream he brought home a box of delicious cakes, the bakery owner was clearly flirting with him, and he refused to apologise for it. So I assume the question was actually sarcasm. Nevertheless, I feel it’s my civic duty to reveal my tips on a successful marriage.

It’s important to communicate. I like to call him at work several times a day, just so he knows I’m thinking of him. I supplement this with loving text messages and emails like “Why are you ignoring me?” “Pick up,” and "Are you really at work or are you in a bakery and flirting with the owner?” This helps our relationship by letting him know how much I care.

Physical contact is really important. I maintain this in bed by stealing the sheet and doona every night, forcing him to cuddle me for warmth. I cannot recommend this enough as a way to ensure your physical needs are met. I’ve also been living with this man for twenty-two years, and as such I’ve picked up on some more masculine connection tools, such as giving the backside of your partner a loving tap when you walk past. The right moments for this are when they’re in a Zoom meeting, when they’re trying to stack the dishwasher or when they’re on the phone with their mum.

Role-play with them. I asked him if he would still love me if I was a worm and he said yes, but only if he was still a human. He said if he were also a worm, he wouldn’t love me because worms aren’t monogamous and don’t believe in love as a construct. So I told him if he was a worm, I’d be a bird and I’d catch him to feed to my baby birds. Then he told me if I was a bird I wouldn’t catch any worms because I’d sleep in. This role-play is a fun way to explore relationship dynamics and make idle threats.

Keep things interesting. My husband never knows if he’s coming home to a happy, calm wife who has baked a cake for afternoon tea, or an overstimulated platypus who looks kind of cute but has deadly spurs. Imagine how boring his life would be if he came home to a stable wife with consistent moods! I also like to keep him on his toes, so just as he’s figured me out, I pivot. Mid-sentence if needed. There’s none of this “our relationship has lost its spark”. At 46, I’m all sparks baby.

Dress romantically for your partner. There’s nothing more seductive than a woman in a lace negligee with a silk dressing gown undone, lying on your bed. Now I don’t own a silk dressing gown, but I gained a bit of weight last year so the flannelette one I bought from Best and Less doesn’t really do up all the way, and you can see my twelve-year-old Kmart nightie with Garfield on it. He’s a lucky, lucky man.

Everyone argues, but if you use open communication, it can actually improve your relationship and help you understand your partner’s point of view. For example, if he says, “Can I have some doona? I feel cold”, you should praise him for being open with his feelings. Ask if his coldness comes from emotional damage from his childhood and remind him he’s safe and can share all his feelings with you. If he says something like “my parents are coming up for the weekend” try responding not with anger, but with facts. This is a great time to bring up something that happened 17 years ago. Don’t forget to share what the group chat says about his mother, as this will remind him that other people have opinions he should consider.

Lastly, shared interests are vital. If you love George Clooney, then he loves George Clooney, and marrying you all those years ago was a sign he’s committed to rewatching all 15 seasons with you. Enjoy!