Dear Em: I’ve accidentally become important at work, and it’s ruining my life. How can I slack off without losing my promotion?

You know how in every office there’s that one weird worker everyone avoids? The trick is to become that person. You will still have work to do, but nobody is stopping by your desk for a chat. If micro-management is a problem, print out photos of your co-workers and managers and put them in a heart-shaped photo collage frame. Nobody will be engaging with you after that.

I personally suspected that this would be a busy week for the Orange City Life team, so early Monday morning I emailed our editor Jonathan and suggested that we should participate in the 2027 'Stars of Orange' dance competition. I’ve had radio silence so far and am writing this on my couch, snuggled up with my border collie. Work smarter, not harder.

Dear Em, how do I tell my dearest friend that she is using too much concealer to cover up the dark circles under her eyes? She looks like Donald Trump.

First of all, I immediately looked at your email address to reassure myself that this wasn’t written by one of my friends. Miss 11 put concealer, primer, more concealer, foundation, bronzing powder, more concealer, and she finished with setting powder before muttering to herself that she’d done everything humanly possible, and I still looked tired. So, you are welcome to borrow my Miss 11 for humiliating truthfulness if you would like. However, I feel this is more of a root cause problem. Ask yourself why your dearest friend is so tired and what you can do to help. I guarantee* she needs a babysitting offer, a night in an expensive hotel, a double-shot mocha or oestrogen.

Dear Em, people sometimes park perfectly legally in front of my house. Which passive-aggressive notes left under windscreen wipers are most effective in stopping this?

OK, so this one WAS written by one of my friends. But here’s the thing. Like everyone else who lives within two blocks of the CBD (purely so we can walk to and from Wine Week night markets), people constantly park over my driveway to visit local businesses. And it drives me insane! So I’ve taken to leaving them notes under their windscreen wipers, comparing them to toddlers and asking if they’d like to try a colouring-in picture to master the skill of staying within the lines. And Clair? So far it has a 100 per cent success rate. So there.

Dear Em, I’m a local public school teacher, and I’m currently attempting to write reports, but I’m slowly losing the will to live. Any advice?

Yes. This is a job for ChatGPT, my educator friend. Otherwise, find the child they most remind you of from last year and copy and paste their report card comments.

If it helps, you can write a fake report card and send it to your teacher buddies, saying everything you really want to say.

For example: “Jaxxson is the reason I now understand why some animals eat their young. He has taught me resilience, patience, and the importance of large coffees. I wish him all the best in his future career, terrifying hospitality workers and ignoring workplace safety procedures. Sincerely, Mr Doesn’t Give a **** Anymore”

Dear Em, I want to support local businesses and be a responsible large-regional-city-dweller. However, I cannot, in good conscience, buy coffee from a place selling “expresso”.

Ooh, this is quite the conundrum. I too, am a grammar snob, and the only thing I want from a local café these days is a daily anagram to solve like the hospital coffee cart used to. Instead, I order my “expresso” and do Wordle on my phone and swallow my rage. I suggest there’s strength in numbers and we form a vigilante group to correct misspelled menu boards. We’ll keep chalk in our pockets and meet up on Tuesday mornings before work. I can forgive weak coffee, but criminally negligent usage of consonants is unacceptable.

*Guarantees are fake and should not be taken seriously from someone who had to google how to spell the word because not even auto-correct in Word recognised my train-wreck of an attempt.