A few weeks ago I had my groceries stolen. The staff at Woolies were amazing about replacing everything, and it wasn’t a big issue. But it got me thinking: Was this someone being affected by the insane cost-of-living increases? Or, was it a mum in her mid-forties who just couldn’t bring herself to plan meals for a week and saw an easy way out?

I immediately called my best friend and told her my new business idea... the opportunity to just rock up to the supermarket and be handed a week’s worth of groceries for a family of four that someone else has chosen for you. She asked if I’d ever heard of HelloFresh?

Which brings me to this week’s column: "Things I am unsubscribing from."

1) HelloFresh. Look, I didn’t mean to subscribe to this. I was just clicking through to browse meals, and then 10 minutes later, I got an email thanking me for my subscription, and the first delivery will be next week. I don’t know how it happened, but even if I was keen on it, I would have unsubscribed out of anger.

2) Email lists I didn’t sign up for. Amazon, I’m talking to you. I was just buying frappe straws, and I DID NOT click the box that allows you to send marketing emails. Also my frappe straws are too thick, so I have 199 bamboo straws for sale if anyone is interested. (I offered them to my best friend, but she doesn’t enjoy sucking on wood, apparently).

3) Year 6 homework. Miss 11, you are on your own. I don’t know what an obtuse triangle is, I can’t navigate maps for geography, and I often end sentences in a preposition I don’t know what to do with.

4) Year 12 homework. Miss 17 has been getting into Irish soul music lately, and I reached breaking point with the constant panpipes and Danny Boy rip-offs and asked her what the crap she was listening to was. It was her music viva composition for Year 12 music. I’m too menopausal to be supportive right now. Sorry, bug.

5) Emails with a passive-aggressive subject line. I’m not opening those. Just no.

6) You know what? Emails in general. Send me letters, with scented paper and matching paper and envelope like we did in the nineties. Why did we trade that in for a stupid ping on our laptops?

7) Refilling the ice cube tray. It’s not rocket science Miss 17. If you use ice, you need to do it. I know it seems like there’s a magical fairy that comes along and ensures there’s fresh ice every day, but this fairy is handing in her notice, effective immediately. I can’t even enjoy my frappes right now due to the straw situation, so now you’re on your own.

8) Replacing the toilet paper. See number 7 for additional details.

9) Moving out of people’s way on footpaths. I shoulder-charged a guy on the weekend. Look, I’ll keep to the left, but if you don’t, I’m walking straight into you. You’ve been warned.

10) Being nice to my in-laws. Last week I had a small dose of radiation, and this was of course the day they chose to visit. Instead of being nice, they stood at my bedroom door where I was isolated and laughed while calling me “glowy”. I told them to f*** off and closed the door in their faces. And look, this one is partially my fault, because I should have stood up to crap like this ages ago, and I’ve set a bad example of choosing to placate other people’s feelings rather than standing up for myself. Miss 11 and Miss 17: Your feelings and self-respect are important. Protect them.

11) Lastly, pairing socks while folding washing. The chaise section of our couch is now the sock pile, and you are to match your own socks from this day forward. Have fun.

And so ends another rant as I attempt to make right what has gone wrong in this world. I hope my girls take note, and realise that being a middle-aged mum doesn’t mean you are powerless. Unsubscribe all you want, beautiful babies.